So . . . my pediatrician posts myriad "useful parenting tips" all over the walls of the patient rooms -- everything from "Limit sugary drinks to 4 oz. per day" to "Avoid trampolines like the plague!" I'll admit that my reactions to these tips vary greatly, but mostly end up in the camp of "Who are all these crazy parents that really waste their lives worrying about all of this stuff? And have these doctors really ever had children of their own?" Still, sometimes the tips are useful, and I have 5 minutes to kill, so I usually read away.
And what did I find last time? The following tips about a subject I DEFINITELY need help with: getting your kids to eat well! Ugh. The very subject makes me tired. The battle over food has been our biggest issue with both boys since day 153 (the day we introduced non-drinkable food). Anyway, we'll get to the issues later. For now, the tips:
"You control the types of food that are available in the home (i.e. not junk food). Let your children control what they eat, when they eat it, and how much they eat."
"Encourage children to try new foods, but never force them to eat anything they don't want to eat."
"Don't force children to clean their plates. Let them stop eating when they're no longer hungry."
"And most importantly, NEVER use dessert as the reward for finishing the meal."
Okay, yes. This sounds like a really good idea. I'm sure it works for lots of amazing parents out there. However, I sincerely doubt that it could ever really work for us. I'm pretty sure if I followed the suggestions above, my boys would either starve or barely survive on whatever semblance of jelly beans they could find under the couch cushions. My question: Am I being ridiculous in thinking my children, the non-eaters, are an exception to this heaven-like eating plan? If I just had faith, would my children turn around and become happy, healthy eaters? Or are there some children that just don't eat, no matter what you do? Again, be frank. I want to know what I did wrong, what I should try to fix, or else whether I should just give up and ride the storm. Tell me!
Let me explain our situation:
Boy #1. Only eats when tricked into it. He still can be forced to eat baby fruits & veggies, and since he doesn't eat much else, I put on the song & dance he demands. I sit him in the high chair and he screams while I put the bib on. He keeps screaming and ducks his head to one side of the high chair, face to the floor, where my spoon cannot reach him. He will only emerge for a really great rendition (with actions) of "The Wheels on the Bus" or "Popcorn Popping." Maybe. If not, I have to bend down and wedge the first bite into his mouth. Then usually, after two or three forced bites, he'll sit up and allow the rest of the container to enter. If that went well, I will repeat the process with yogurt. If not, I will offer him one of four things: a muffin, a piece of cinnamon toast, a granola bar, or a graham cracker. Notice a pattern here? Besides the forced puréed foods, he only eats foods in what I call the Graham Cracker Food Group: Life cereal, Apple Cinnamon Cheerios, graham crackers, Teddy Grahams, granola bars, muffins, and cinnamon toast. Period. The end of the list. No cheese, no goldfish crackers, no mac & cheese, no chicken nuggets, no fruit or vegetables, no meat. And even the stuff in the GC food group, he only kind of nibbles on.
BUT, if he catches a glimpse of a jelly bean, a cookie, or a lollipop, he will SCREAM until he gets it. And then he'll devour it in three seconds and SCREAM for more (you may have seen the "Cooooookie" clip). I know it's horrible to give it to him, but sometimes I just can't endure the screaming.
Yes, I know that if I didn't have any junk food in our house EVER, we could avoid all of this. But guess what? I personally like my jelly beans and cookies, and I'm not willing to give them up. We try to keep them hidden (Henry knows that you have to spell out the words "cookie" and "candy" in our house). It usually doesn't work.
Yes, I do try putting other foods in front of him. I usually try to put whatever we're eating on his high chair tray. And whatever it is, without fail, it goes directly from tray to floor, without the slightest bit of consideration on Ellis' part.
[I must note that tonight Henry tried to convince Ellis that a black bean was a jelly bean. It was an earnest effort, although it broke Henry's recent vow to always tell the truth. It also didn't work].
Boy #2: Has come a long way. Our biggest struggle is fruits and vegetables and anything new. I pretty much let him choose his favorites for breakfast and lunch, and that usually goes over well. Still, he eats them VERY slowly, often taking an hour to complete a meal. He takes the smallest lunches of any other child in his Joy School group, because if I send anything more than half an apple and a half sandwich, he will never even come close to finishing. And you can bet that if there's a fruit roll up involved, he'll never eat that apple. Sometimes I have to remind him twice to take each bite. He is perfectly content to talk, laugh, sing, and stare into space during meal time. Anything but eat!
And let me just say that rewarding this kid for finishing his meals works better than anything I've tried. If he finishes, he gets a small treat (he is delighted with 4 jelly beans). If he doesn't finish, he doesn't get a treat. And he's usually just fine with that. And we don't have to fight about it. Since we came to that solution, we have all been a lot happier. That's why I'm torn -- our working system breaks three of my doctor's four rules. We make him try at least a bite of every new food -- he has no choice (but to go straight to bed!). We require him to clean his plate (or at least finish his 4 bites), even if he says he is full (does the doctor really think kids aren't smart enough to pull the "I'm full" trick?). And lastly, we always reward him with dessert for doing it!
Sorry this is dragging on for so long. What I'm really trying to say is that I'm struggling because we feel like we've actually found a system that works for Henry, and then I realized that it goes against everything the "experts" are saying. Do you think if I revolutionized our meal-time rules, perhaps Henry would suddenly become an amazing eater? If I put the muffins and the asparagus both in front of him for dinner and let him choose, would he really EVER choose the asparagus? I am just so doubtful. If any of you think it would work, I need to hear your testimonies.
Oh, and if you have any clue for what I should do with Ellis-the-impossible, PLEASE let me know.
I should mention a special thanks to all of the amazing comments about the gun post. I feel like I now have so many things to think about as I re-shape my position on that issue. How would any of us learn this parenting thing alone?
14 comments:
I am pretty sure any mother out there who would like to keep their sanity breaks at least 3 of those 4 rules. I certainly do and I don't feel bad about it either. My name is DR. MOM. I know what is best for my kiddos (most the time!). I am all about the bribery!
Aliya would eat baby food fine, but when it came to anything else she was so limited. After many years of breaking every rule we have finally gotten her on an okay system. Instead of bribing with dessert, I now try to have at least one thing she LOVES with dinner (since she too chooses her breakfast and lunch), sometimes it is crescent rolls, sometimes pineapple. To get this she doesn't have to finish her plate, just eat as much as I tell her to of each item she doesn't like. She still doesn't pick asparagus, but at least now she doesn't gag every time I make her eat it. I also think that by perseverance (and bribery), Ellis will eventually get better.
I definitely think you should do what works. Although, if it isn't working, it could be time to tweak the system.
When my kids were little I found they liked to eat all day long so I had to initiate true snack times - 10 and 3. If it wasn't one of those times, you don't get anything to eat. I know, I'm mean. But, they ate their meals more intently as they were hungry! We don't have many treats around and only bring them out for special occasions . . . and at those times they are great for bribes :)
The kids also get some of everything that is being served for dinner, even if it's just one pea. They have to eat it before getting up from the table. Eventually they have shown their taste buds change - Emma used to gag every time we made her eat a fruit or vegetable. She still doesn't care for them, but she doesn't gag. It's only taken 11 years :) So, be patient and don't give up . . . and be consistent!
I don't know what to do about Ellis (although Daniel used to be so picky and gradually has come a long way--CHOOSING to eat the broccoli first 2 days in a row). Henry sounds like Benjamin, and we have come to the same situation. We remind and remind and remind him to take a bite, and if he cleans his plate, he gets dessert--he's a cookie man, so I have switched from chocolate chip cookies to whole-wheat, oatmeal and raisin cookies, so they are more healthy and I feel less guilty. My mom's method was always as many more bites as they are old (after they say they are done), if they didn't want to finish it all. Seemed to work well for all of us. Just keep putting the good stuff in front of them, and someday it will work....
I have a great idea. Let's try an experiment with Ellis. I think you should turn him over to a third party for, oh, say, 11 days, and see if, without holding his head and forcing bites or singing and dancing, he will choose to eat anything or if he will starve to death. Then you won't have the stress of seeing him starve, and you'll find out if when he gets hungry enough he will actually eat anything! :)
Okay, I do promise to feed him when we watch him, but I don't promise to force him.
Each parent is going to choose different battles with their kids, and even try different tactics with different kids. I don't like fighting the food battle, so with Evan, I have taken a pretty laissez faire approach. He ate baby food great until he was a year old, but then he started refusing lots of things. I kept offering but he could have happily refused ALL food and lived on whole milk from ages 1-3.
I think it is VERY hard to force a toddler to eat something he doesn't want to (Ellis is a great example). As they get older, you can rationalize, make deals, withhold treats, etc. but in those young ages, it's a battle of wills and ultimately they are going to choose what they eat or don't eat. And thankfully, even though Evan didn't eat a vegetable and hardly any fruits for two years, he didn't get scabies or die. :)
After watching Brooke and Megan be picky and yet survive, I have realized that when a child is truly hungry, they will eat something. They may still be choosy about what they eat, but if you continue to offer good choices, eventually something will make it into their stomachs.
With Evan, my best tactic was to offer milk AFTER a meal, in hopes that he ate something. But if he didn't eat, I still eventually gave him his milk because i wanted him to get some source of calories in his body. And milk was better than nothing.
As my kids have aged, I've realized that they will eat when they are ready. In kindergarten when Brooke learned that milk was good for her, she started drinking it after four years of REFUSING unless it was heavily laced with chocolate. And now at 10 years old, Brooke is a great eater and loves to try new things, but she was TERRIBLE as a child. And skinny and frail. But she made it, and Ellis will too!
Evan is nearly four and I am starting to fight the food battle to re-introduce veggies and fruits. He hates it, but like Henry, he can understand that if he doesn't try something he will either go straight to bed or not get dessert. And most of the time he decides to try something. And on occasion, he even likes it.
He voluntarily ate strawberries with sugar on them at a friend's house yesterday, so I feel like we're making few breakthroughs!
So in summary, I don't agree with your doctor's office wall completely, because I do bribe and use dessert as a motivator all the time, but I have chosen not to let eating become a battlefield for me and the kids because its a fight I feel like in the long run I will lose, and as long as they a growing relatively healthily even if nothing green ever touches their lips, I figure we will make it and hopefully someday they will all learn to try new things and delight in good food like Brooke has.
Good luck, and we'll let you know how Ellis does in a few weeks! :)
I agree with each comment. First off, you know your child better than any doctor. You know what works and doesn't work. Those rules might be good for them but that doesn't mean they are always possible. Those are things to strive for eventually I think. And when you think about it, there are so many different doctor's rule/views on food for you kids at mealtimes, etc. it's hard to know who is right in their thinking...just like any parenting books. Too many varieties...you have to pick and choose what feels right for you and your kids. Eventually the kids will get it. I think that if you make the nutritious food look and smell appealing without killing yourself over it every day maybe eventually it will come. I sometimes have the food battles with Abby and it just doesn't seem worth it. It leaves a nasty taste in all our mouths...as long as they aren't eating just junk food and getting some things nutritious (or semi) then I figure it's not worth the battle. I do like the comments about taking a bite of each food and when they say they're done to make them eat however many bites they are old. Oh and limiting snacks is a huge thing. If they're eating snacks throughout the day, they won't eat meals...so I limit them to 2 a day and sometimes they don't get any snacks...because they don't ask for them. But the snacks must be fairly healthy. Good luck! You're doing great...don't stress out so much...it sounds like you're doing amazing things with your boys!!! I can't see you not being a good mom!
I am reading all of the comments carefully because I have the same problems! Emma survived for a couple of years on air and chocolate milk and only recently started trying what I was serving for dinner--with the bribe of dessert. Although at least twice a week she will claim she doesn't "like" dessert and refuses to eat.
I stopped battling with Emma around 18 months, and it made us both much happier. Madeline sounds a lot like Ellis, and I don't want to fight her either, except at a year old she is only 16 pounds. And while she seems like a healthy kid, and has been on her own (albeit shallow compared to the norm) growth curve this whole time, she is so skinny and I just can't stand for her not to eat anything. So I hold her arms and forcefeed veggie purees and reward her with crackers. I don't know what I'll do when she learns to completely turn her face, though. So, I can offer no solutions, but lots of sympathy!
I have no kids and no idea. But I did have a younger brother named Ben who would refuse to eat anything but bread and milk (with a ton of sugar on it) or Cheerios (with a ton of sugar on them.) The doctors told my mom to tell him he didn't get to eat anything until he ate whatever was for supper and when he got hungry he would eat, right? She tried that, but he wouldn't eat. He really wouldn't. For days. He would never have eaten again and DIED. He really would have. So I'm pretty sure he ate a lot of bread and milk and turned into a food eating very healthy athlete as a grown up. (Did I tell you his wife is having a baby in a couple of weeks!? And they live in Toelle? It's all true.)
And that was WELL into elementary school. Like 11 years old or something.
I will admit I've just stopped putting veggies in front of David except for the baby food variety. He'll only eat the green ones mixed with apple sauce. Apparently my pediatrician isn't concerned though...
And I stopped feeding Will baby food with the spoon. If he can't put it in there himself, I'm kind done. Thankfully, he'll eat peas and corn.
I'm probably not the person to ask about kids and food matters but certainly someone to commiserate with!
Tell me again what's wrong with jelly beans, and sugar in general?
(just wear blinders at the doctor's office)
Very interesting post made by all. I decided long ago that I wasn't doing the food battle. I wasn't going to force feed and luckily my kids were never willing to starve themselves for the food they may have wanted(scary). I do have a cousin who would only eat bread...for years!! I remember every Thanksgiving he would just have rolls. It made me laugh and I thought he was weird. Then I visited Utah a few years ago and saw him eat Pizza...oh my word! He ate real food!! Sort of.
Carter was a milk person and we had to tell him he needed to start eating his food before he got a glass of milk. We never have dessert, so that won't apply here. I try to talk a lot about food and what it does for us. Not at the table, but in general throughout the day. We also have had the kids pick out a 'weird' fruit or veg at the store for all of us to try. Most of them have never made it back to our home, but it was an effort for them to realize that new food won't kill them, it will just make them aware of what they like.
I have the kids also serve themselves at the table once they are old enough. I put dinner on the table and each person does their own plate. That way they have a choice, but it only is a choice of what is on the table. I have found that I would always serve them too much and their little bodies didn't need it or want that much.
When they say they are done, they are done. If they are hungry later, they get a choice of banana or apple. The growth curve is so different now a days. I never go by that, I hardly look at it. All very interesting. Try not to stress. Just go about things with an attitude that it isn't a big deal and the kids might catch on.
Good Luck, you are doing great...also having some very nice discussions on your blog. I was out of it for awhile, so I missed the gun one. I will just say you are doing great...and my boys and my girl seemed to have that gene in them! :) We make different target throughout the house instead of shooting at people.
Jenn you are obviously dealing with common issues to all parents because we all have something to say about it! I have kids that span all eating types. Nate is great and eats everything and always has. Jess is very picky and won't try anything and reminds me a lot of me growing. Caleb could live on liquid. But if I limit his liquids until after he's eaten some food then he's a good eater. He does need some encouragement to stay focused at a meal, as well, though. Seth won't touch a vege to save his life and I've told him about scurvy but he's just not scared of it. :-) I keep putting very small amounts on his plate and we're working our way up one pea at a time. We do use bribery and I won't let him have dessert if he doesn't eat his veges but most times he just says he doesn't want dessert then. So that doesn't help much.
I would say stop stressing about it too much. They will eat when they're hungry. Do serve them new foods but make sure you also serve their favorites (my mom served spaghetti about once a week to make sure I would survive and I did and now I eat all sorts of stuff - even asparagus!). I keep Jessica alive by serving bread, rice and butter. But she's growing fine and getting better at trying new things.
I do follow a few rules. They have to try a new thing without immediately saying they don't like it. If they try it and really don't like it then they only have to have one bite. If they say anything negative first then they have to eat their age. For veges and fruits, they have to eat their ages. That works quite well on all my kids from about 3 years old and up. Before that, you just can offer it but can't force it down so I just keep offering it.
I'm honestly just too busy helping all the kids at meal time to play to anyones' special needs so they have just learned that they better eat what's there and not expect a song and dance.
Your boys look healthy and happy and they'll survive! Just hang on - it gets better.
you are not alone. :)
we recently read a book about a girl who wouldn't eat- until her parents let her sit at the table instead of in the high chair. Then she ate her whole dinner. Worth a try??
Good luck. as long as you floss their teeth sugar won't kill them. :)
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