M&M's to Independence

Once upon a time, there was a boy who wouldn't ask nicely.  No matter what.  He would rather throw a 45-minute tantrum than say "please."

And he needed his mom and dad to help him with almost everything.  He could use the toilet by himself, but he wanted Mom or Dad to walk with him to the bathroom and wait.  When he was finished, he would grunt and pout, waiting for Mom and Dad to interpret that he must need help with his snap and zipper.  If he dropped his fork on the floor during dinner, he would cry and fuss until someone else picked it up for him, insisting that there was no way he could do it on his own.

This little boy was at a challenging stage of life.  He had some bigger battles going on at the time, so Mom and Dad decided that it was not yet time to fight the "please" battle.

But then, the time finally came.

The "M&M's to Independence" jar showed up in their house.  Every time this boy or his brother did something FOR HIMSELF that he normally would need help with, he got an M&M in his jar.  Every time he did something helpful or did a service without being asked, he got an M&M in his jar.  The M&M's would accumulate until the boys were ready to eat them - they could choose them for their after-dinner-treat.  Every time a boy couldn't do something for himself that he normally SHOULD be able to do, Mom or Dad would gladly help, at the cost of one M&M that they would get to eat immediately.  

Over the next few months, the boys developed good habits.  The little pirate learned to ask nicely almost 80% of the time!  He learned to go potty by himself.  His brother learned to put away his backpack, coat, and shoes without being reminded.  Mom and Dad didn't have to nag as much, and everyone was happier.  They are still working on their first "pounder" bag of M&M's!

First of all, I must thank my friend Laura for the "M&M's to Independence idea."  She invented it for her similarly dependent girls . . . and it has worked brilliantly for us!  The great thing is that if Ellis is in a really bad mood and just desperately NEEDS someone to pick up his fork for him, I don't have to have an internal battle about it.  I just say, "Sure" with a smile.  Then I make sure to grab an M&M from his jar and munch on it while I'm picking up his fork.  I try really hard not to warn him that I'll have to steal one of his M&M's, because that just causes a battle.  If he asks for something in a grumpy voice, I can just say, "Ooh, I'll ask nicely for you . . ." and before I can do it (and steal an M&M), Ellis has already started rephrasing his question.

These are some of the things the boys did to earn M&M's (they each had separate rules):

- Ask nicely the first time 

- Put shoes/coat/backpack away without reminders

- Help or do a service without being asked

- Go potty without help (E)

- Do a job nicely without complaining 

- Do morning chores without reminders (H)